Mother's Day

On this day four years ago, yes on Mothers Day, I received my first in-vitro embryo transfer. Two of the best quality embryos the Petri dish can make. I thought for sure it was a sign of the perfect family to come. It was fate they were ready to implant on Mothers day right? How could We have known the journey that was about to unfold. The next two Mothers Days that followed this one were gut wrenching. Like a knife sticking in your back and twisting. While I should have been honoring my own mother for the person she is to me I would be lying if I did not share with you that part of me was dying inside. Infertility has a way of hardening you to the things around you. It leaves you with feelings of envy and sometimes hate that make you feel like a bad person inside. There is nothing worse than going to bed and not liking who you have become inside. Many nights I lay wondering if I would always be this changed person or if somehow I would find my way back. Infertility is similar to a loss- although it's something you never had in the first place. And with all losses it takes time. This ride for us has been more than heartbreak. With every good heartbreak in life you are left with a lesson. The lesson here is simple. Sometimes we focus on the wrong things. I wanted to be a mother and Andy wanted to be a father. We wanted to have it all- the family & a great life. You know, The Fairy Tale. We were so focused on a baby that we got lost in the Quest. Our answer was here all along. So let me cut right through the baloney. It was not what YOU might call the perfect Mother's Day. But I was a Mother this time so I will take it! So here is how the day went..... We were supposed to go fishing by the lake but we never made it. We stopped to feed the ducks with an older gentleman and his granddaughter and it all went downhill from there.... Long story short, N stole gum from some kids and Z conned a clown out of a balloon made into a dog. We managed to get back home and Andy took me to "Budapest Harwin" and I did what any good mother would do.... we had some ice cream with the kids and I bought a pair of sandals. Shoes always make you feel better. When I came out of the shoe store I had to laugh. There was Andy standing with those two against the wall waiting for me. My two little Con Artists..... No, not the first Mother's Day I envisioned...... but I am a mother. I will not be going to bed tonight crying softly until I fall asleep wondering what I did in life not to deserve my own child. I didn't give birth to these two, I didn't teach them how to Con people, but I am pretty sure I can be a great role model and wash away all those nasty habits. So that alone made it absolutely perfect! What I would like to do tonight is yell from the balcony- "Hey everyone, I am a mother!" But I am too darn tired from all the activity today. Yes, in it's own twisted way, this perfect first Mother's Day will go down in history. I love my husband, Before we fell asleep, he told me he was sorry it was such a crappy first Mother's Day and that he would share Father's Day with me when we get back in the states...... hahaha. THAT made it perfect.